It’s been almost 17 years I’ve been a mother. A single mother at that. Raising my son by myself has been no easy feat. Having my son at 19, I thought my life was over. It has been one of the most hardest things I’ve done; even harder than being deployed in support of Operation IraqI Freedom. So many nights I’ve cried. Beating myself up. Wondering about what if’s and shoulda, coulda, woulda. Exhausting. Being a mother is exhausting. Have no man to depend on to steer this young man I’m raising in the right direction. No communication from his father. No guidance. I‘m not a man!! And I definitely cant think like one! I’m gentle, I’m nurturing, caring, I’m a mom. Over the years I’ve built up this facade, where I don’t ask for anything from anyone. I have to depend on me. I can not fail. I’ve never had a partner that I could completely depend on. Allowing me to take my Superwoman cape off. My son has seen his father 36 days out of his almost 17 year existence. It hurts. I feel bad for my son. I hurt for him. Because I should have chosen better. A lesson I’m reminded of daily. As teens we all make mistakes, so there is no anger towards his father, never been. Just Disappointment. They talk..on occasion. I realized in the past few years, that I can’t recall his father every saying thank you or Happy Mother’s Day. That hurts. If you ask me what my greatest masterpiece is, I will say my son, Tj. I’m molding him into an amazing young man. Healing the little girl inside of me and remembering who she is has helped me tremendously in healing my son from the hurt and the pain that dwells inside of him. I still have a way to go, but he is maturing amazingly and I have myself to thank; and I have to remind myself that I am a bad ass. Men think it’s a compliment when they say, “oh I wish you could be the mother of my child” or ”I wish you were my daughter’s mother” it’s not a compliment. Its not a badge of honor for me. Being a single mother, having done what I’ve done by myself. Relying solely on my income to raise a child. Providing him with the best education that I can. Trying to keep his self-esteem up and my own. Being apart of activities as much as possible, And on top of that dealing with medical issues. No it’s not a badge of honor! No! I don’t want to be your child’s mother! I don’t want to carry your child! I am more than a baby maker! I am a woman. A woman with goals, dreams, hopes and aspirations that were crushed, the moment that I decided to become a mother. Those mistakes eat at you for the rest of your life. I have had plenty of men tell me they can’t get serious with me, because I’ve already had a child. Ironically some of those same men have recently come around, because my son is older now. Men are a trip right. Anyway...I need you to heal the little girl inside of you. Figure, out who she is. That’s why so many women are broken and damaged. Hurt and in pain; or bitter. You don’t know or remember who you were as a little girl. That’s why so many of our moms, grandmothers have issues because they forgot.You kept making choices based off what everybody else wanted. Neglecting what you wanted. What you felt in your heart. Figure out who she is. Make HER happy. Achieve and reach your goals for HER. Who are you at your core? There you will find healing. Happy Mother’s Day to the moms who never have heard Thank You. Happy Mother’s and Thank You💋
If you have not watched Little Fires Everywhere on Hulu. I encourage you to do so. Perfect movie on Motherhood.
Remember, we are in control of who we choose to lay with. Choose wisely.
Thank you to License Therapist and Author Erika Utley for this picture of MY little girl. Get her book “Deal With Your $hit“ in my Amazon store. Check out her counseling services at Smileology Counseling. She offers amazing virtual group and private sessions. https://www.smileologycounseling.com/